More than one-fourth, 29%, of Americans say they have two close friends or less, according to a 2023 survey by Pew Research Center. While some adults might be satisfied having only a few connections, the mental health data says otherwise: More than half, 58%, of Americans are considered lonely, according to a 2021 Cigna report.
Experts like social psychologist Johnathan Haidt blame technology, saying phones have replaced our in-person connections to the detriment of our happiness. Former U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy, who diagnosed the United States with a "loneliness epidemic" in 2023, says dwindling attendance to spaces like churches or recreational leagues might be a contributing factor.
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While the culprit might not be clear or singular, it's apparent that Americans do want to improve or increase their social relationships, they just don't know how.
The solution to loneliness might be more straightforward than the cause, says Alison Wood Brooks, an associate professor of business administration at Harvard Business School and author of "Talk: The Science Of Conversation And The Art Of Being Ourselves."
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Adults who have a hard time making friends are probably too focused on their own needs, she says: "If you're trying to woo a new friend, you should really be focused on what's going to be rewarding to them about having you as a friend."
'A lot of adults have a lot of demands on their resources'
For many people, aging brings with it a lot of non-negotiable responsibilities. To become a priority to another person, you need to offer some respite from stressors, not feel like another one.
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"A lot of adults have a lot of demands on their resources," Brooks says. "They're constantly thinking about their kids or their work and so providing an exciting escape from those things can be really valuable."
To make a friend, you need to find out what the other person actually enjoys doing and how often they can do it. If a person doesn't drink, don't invite them to try a new bar. If they travel frequently for work, see if a once-a-month lunch would be feasible.
Not all hangouts have to be activity-based, either. Part of being a friend is supporting and validating someone who might be having a hard time. This can look like just going over, sitting on their couch, and asking how they're feeling.
"You can ask, 'What are you struggling with? How can I help?'" Brooks says. "Sometimes I think just having the mindset of 'I wanna be a sounding board for someone else' is incredibly helpful, too, to a friend."
By being thoughtful about a friend's needs, you're encouraging them to do the same for you. And this mutual support can transform into a deep connection.
"The more you can figure out what they need and deliver what they need to them, the more rewarding that friendship will become and the more willing and excited they will be to do the same for you in return," Brooks says.
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