Thursday may have been the most productive working day in American history, given that Twitter and Facebook, the two social networking behemoths designed expressly for idly wasting your time, were brought down by a dreaded Denial of Service attack, targeting a blogger from the former Soviet republic of Georgis named Cyxymu (Cyxymu will also be the name of Ashlee Simpson's next child, boy or girl).
No one suffers when Twitter is down quite like pro athletes. Without Twitter, how are they to stay in touch with fans? Or openly hit on women who claim to be bootylicious but probably aren’t? It’s agony. Luckily for us, two member of the Cowboys – wideout Jesse Holley and tight end Martellus Bennett – tweet so incessantly that they have a vast, endless reserve of barely legible tweets for us to enjoy during all this down time, like a fresh winter stock of only the choicest acorns. If you’re new to Tweetspeak and just can’t figure it out, fear not. For it is that time of week again, where I translate all Cowboy-related tweets for you, the lily-white citizens of Cowboy nation. Off we go!
JESSE (MR4THANDLONG): @lookathelena thats your baby daddy you always callin him while he tryin to drive me somewhere
“Elena, the fact that you’re always calling the father of your child is hampering his ability to chauffeur me about town!”
JESSE (MR4THANDLONG): Morning twitter nation, have to get up and go take my drug test man this is the "WORSEEEEEEE"!!!But I do have to pee really really bad!
“Hello, people! There is nothing worse than having to take a drug test. Luckily, I find myself in the fortunate position of having to urinate quite urgently!”
JESSE (MR4THANDLONG): I think I passed my drug test with flying color.
“I think I passed my drug test with flying colors.”
JESSE (MR4THANDLONG): But one of the guys that was giving the test farted and it smelled sooo bad
“Oh, my! Flatulence!”
JESSE (MR4THANDLONG): @lookathelena hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaahahhahahahahahahahah you sooo make me laugh! Well maybe u need to get that skin bleached ...
“I am laughing VERY hard Elena! Your skin is too dark!”
JESSE (MR4THANDLONG): Hey everybody make sure yall holla at my dude @martybtv
“Say hello to Martellus for me, everyone!”
MARTY B: say wats up Jesse holley yall
“And I would like you all to do likewise for Jesse!”
JESSE (MR4THANDLONG): @MartyBTV so can I hit you up even if I'm sitting right next to you?
“Say Martellus, could I purchase marijuana from you?”
MARTY B: @Mr4thAndLong wat up homie u stupid
“Hello, Jesse! Let us discuss this somewhere besides a public forum!”
MARTY B: Mmmmmm. Good grind at prac today team is looking like the s--------------t.
“We practiced with greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeat enthusiasm today!”
MARTY B: Mann this fool Orlando snoring like a fat kid laying on top of a grizzly bear hibernating in the summer under water. DAMN homie. WTF!!!
“Orlando is snoring quite loudly! Goodness, my friend! What the gosh darn heck is your problem?”
MARTY B: @AlanLupiani I know. I need to do a few red carpet events this year. I be fresh to death. GRAVEYARD FRESH!
Alan, I need to go to gala events and be as fresh smelling as a corpse!
MARTY B: Sooo dre Gurode is a barber he cut some olineman hair last nite here's the best
Andre Gurode is a good barber, and won’t stab you in the neck with scissors!
MARTY B: Vince Young. My man setting his goals high yeeeaaaa buddy.
I’m one of the few people that can’t see that Vince Young is setting unrealistically lofty goals for himself!
MARTY B: My hand is not hurt. T New jus hit me directly on it with his helmet. And I scored the td anyways lol. Oh I'm tweeting with it rgt now also.
My hand is fine! I am laughing! See how well I can spell with it?
